Hello again, dear reader. Is the world driving you round the bend yet? (If not, why the hell not?) I’m currently finding much regular comfort in switching off and disappearing into a good book when the voices get too much. Two more fine indexes to blog about this month, from books by Francis Wheen which review the seeds of much of the utter mess we’re in now. I have enjoyed diving into these but haven’t known whether to laugh or cry at some of the content; it’s both absurd and terrifying. The indexes well reflect the tone of their books, as indeed they should.
Francis Wheen is a British author and journalist and current deputy editor of the satirical magazine Private Eye – one of my favourite periodicals since my father introduced me to it in my teens. We have never written in to cancel our subscriptions.
How Mumbo-Jumbo Conquered the World: A Short History of Modern Delusions (Harper Perennial, 2004, 368 pages, index 8 pages – henceforth Mumbo-Jumbo) covers the period from 1979 into the first decade of the 21st century: the age of the ‘sleep of reason’ and the eventual triumph of ‘mumbo-jumbo’ (cults, quackery, emotional hysteria, etc.).
Strange Days Indeed: The Golden Age of Paranoia (Fourth Estate, 2009, 344 pages, index 10 pages – henceforth Strange Days) was published five years later and focuses on the politics and social change of the 1970s: ‘the age of paranoia, crisis and deluded clothing choices’ (from its cover blurb).
Both books are extremely funny and it naturally pleases me that their indexes are too. Francis Wheen kindly confirmed for me via Twitter that he wrote both of these indexes himself. The indexing humour mostly derives from the subheading wording, often taken directly from the corresponding passages in the books. There is a huge amount I could cover here but I’ll just share a few selected and themed highlights.
There are many references to political figures in the two indexes. Here are a few choice examples from the UK, first from Mumbo-Jumbo:
Blair, Cherie: flirtations with New Age spirituality, 129, 131–2; rebirthing ceremony, 130
Blair, Tony: […] claims descent from Abraham, 165; […] emotional guy, 205, 207, 210, 212; […] takes mud-bath in Mexico, 130–1; venerates Princess Diana, 201–2, 212–13
Callaghan, James: […] swims with air stewardesses, x
New Labour: gimmickry and gobbledegook, 57–8, 221–2; ideological somersaults, 218–9, 272
Thatcher, Margaret: […] enjoys ‘electric baths’, 129; […] revives Victorian values, 8, 22–3; sides with good against evil, 26–9; supports terrorism, 180–2; thinks the unthinkable, 38–9
And, further back, from Strange Days:
Benn, Tony: […] visits fortune teller, 56; wild surmises, 219; false rumours of orgies, 222
Heath, Edward: […] as Empress of Blandings, 38; meanness of, 42, 45; corpulence of, 48; speaks French badly, 204; grumpiness of, 205; as obstinate jackass, 208
Straw, Jack: skulduggery of, 210
Wilson, Harold: […] as big fat spider, 9, 269, 270; […] sees invisible powers, 218; breaks into Marcia’s garage, 219; as Hercule Poirot, 247
I especially like the Edward Heath one here. If you aren’t familiar with the Empress of Blandings, do look her up. She’s a beaut. I should also perhaps provide a little more context on former prime minister Harold Wilson being a big fat spider but I prefer to leave that as it is.
The Strange Days index also contains many other intriguing entries regarding Baroness Falkender – the ‘Marcia’ above – who was Wilson’s private and political secretary:
Donoughue, Bernard: […] endures Marcia’s tantrums, 211–15, 220; contemplates emigration, 217, 248
Falkender, Baroness (Marcia Williams): squabbles and screeches, 210–16; hates whitebait, 211, 215; takes sedatives, 215, 220; fear of military coup, 218; fear of orgies, 222, 270
Field, Tony (Lady Falkender’s brother), 212; breaks into Marcia’s garage, 219
Haines, Joe: […] endures Marcia’s tantrums, 211, 213–14; unwilling to murder her, 215–16
Quite a woman – now 85 years old and still a Labour member of the House of Lords.
American politics is also richly featured in both books. Strange Days has much cheerfully terrifying content about former president Richard Nixon and his ilk:
Colson, Charles (‘Chuck’): Nixon’s chief ass-kicker, 96–7, 98 […]; proposes firebombing, 109
Haldeman, H.R. (‘Bob’): […] conversations with Nixon, 9, 23, 27, 30 […]; gobbledygook, 11; ‘weirdest day so far’, 29; White House taping system, 35, 37, 38, 118; fellow of infinite jest, 292
Hoover, J. Edgar: dealings with Nixon, 35, 36, 98, 106; mistrusted by Norman Mailer, 168; spies on Mailer, 168, 169–70; worships mothers, 171; hates hippies, 172; hates Martin Luther King, 173
Nixon, President Richard M.: […] swearing, 6, 23, 35; rage against Jews, 9, 30, 36 […]; and other enemies, 10, 29, 96–8 […]; bugs himself, 34–5, 37–9, 117–20, 164; understands madman theory, 104–6; resigns, 119, 176, 273, 294; […] visits Soviet Union, 163; maddened tyrant, 293
How times change. I’ll just leave this here.
Things have not hugely improved in Mumbo-Jumbo-era US politics:
Buchanan, Pat: blames Japan, 169; blames Jews, 162; blames Salman Rushdie, 163
Bush, George H. W.: […] joins travelling show, 55; mocks voodoo economics, 19
Bush, George W.: […] thanks Christ, 108; unsure about enemies, 167; unsure about evolution, 112, 113
Clinton, Bill: empathy junkie, 194, 197–9; finds Third Way, 225, 227; named as Antichrist, 151
Clinton, Hillary: admires Deepak Chopra, 47; likened to Mozart and Joan of Arc, 54; recommends ‘magic pendant’, 129
Gore, Al: […] toe-curling motto, 106
Reagan, Ronald: […] Star Wars, 97, 172; UFOs, 138; voodoo economics, 18, 30, 38; wartime fantasies, 20
Trump, Donald: 20, 42, 44
Look who just snuck in at the end there. Can we all just agree not to include him in future indexes?
Two final global political examples from the Strange Days index:
Amin, President Idi: […] likened to Pol Pot, 144; likened to Lady Falkender, 216; prehistoric monster, 226, 236; splendid rugger player, 231; comic figure, 234–6; lord of all the beasts and fishes, 238; mass-murderer, 243–4
Jiang Qing (Madame Mao): morbidly sensitive, 9, 153, 154; falls off lavatory, 155
Authors and theorists
Much of Mumbo-Jumbo includes discussion of various authors and theorists either behind or against the spread of said mumbo-jumbo:
Dawkins, Richard: demands astrologers be jailed, 126–7; disses The X-Files, 140
de Bono, Edward: first original thinker since Plato, 58; praises Harry Helmsley and Robert Maxwell, 59
Deleuze, Gilles: incomprehensibility of, 87–8
[Try indexing a book on him. I did. Once.]
Derrida, Jacques, 79, 92, 96; annoyed by Alan Sokal, 93–4; barred by Cambridge, 80; feted by Oxford, 80–1
Foucault, Michel, 3, 6, 79; enraptured by Khomeini, 84–5, 288; swoons over Deleuze, 88
Irigaray, Luce: on sexism of speed of light, 88, 103
Kristeva, Julia: admits mathematical ignorance, 94; defends anti-semitism, 96
Lacan, Jacques: 79, 91–2; mistakes his penis for a square root, 88–9
Pirie, Madsen: on edge of lunacy, 38
Sokal, Alan, 100: distressed by tyranny of twaddle, 89; fools post-modernists, 90–5
If you’ve never heard of the Sokal hoax, it’s well worth a read, especially if you’ve wrestled with a particularly impenetrable postmodern text recently. The horror…
ETs and UFOs
Even stranger things are afoot too, with frequent references to aliens, UFOs and various otherworldly oddities in the Strange Days index:
Backster, Cleve: intimate with plants, 188
Geller, Uri: bends cutlery, 186, 188–90; meets extra-terrestrials, 191–2, 193; turns into a hawk, 194–5
Hashimoto, Ken: has performing cactus, 188
Randi, James (‘The Amazing’), 190–1
And also in Mumbo-Jumbo:
Clancarty, Earl of: finds civilisation beneath earth’s crust, 136
Daily Mail: appetite for mystical gibberish, 152–5
Hill-Norton, Lord: quest for little green men, 136–7, 142
Horsley, Air-Marshal Sir Peter: talks to visitor from another planet, 137; too busy to mention it, 138
Philip, Prince: enjoys Flying Saucer Review, 136; praised by extra-terrestrials, 137–8
Other members of royalty also feature in the Mumbo-Jumbo index, in relation to the death of Diana and its aftermath:
Diana, Princess of Wales: death not predicted by seers, 154; devotion to reflexology, 135; dies after lunching with Deepak Chopra, 47; exemplar of thin-air business, 271–2; inspires intense emotion, 205–9; therapy heroine, 199–204
Elizabeth II, Queen: accused of cocaine-smuggling, 149; carries homeopathic remedies, 135; urged to emote, 204
Other figures of note
Some nicely balanced subheading wording in Mumbo-Jumbo reflects the eventual comeuppance of several public figures of the time:
Aitken, Jonathan: admires risk-takers, 59; goes to jail, 60
Boesky, Ivan: admires greed, 30; goes to jail, 31, 37
Merton, Robert: says markets aren’t too volatile, 272; loses fortune because of market volatility, 273
Milken, Michael: admires Deepak Chopra, 47; friend of Enron chairman, 282; pioneers junk bonds, 30; goes to jail, 31
Ronson, Gerald: eulogised by Jonathan Aitken and Jeffrey Robinson, 59; goes to jail, 60
Some entertaining mentions of other popular figures too in Mumbo-Jumbo:
Moore, Demi: hopes to live for 130 years, 47
Presley, Elvis: likened to Enron, 274; not alive, 100
And in Strange Days:
Moore, Roger: regrettable lapels, 2
Morgenthau, Hans: mistaken for Robert, 97
Morgenthau, Robert: not Hans, 97
Redgrave, Corin: introduces sister to Healy, 53
Redgrave, Vanessa: succumbs, 53
Reynolds, Burt: regrettable toupee, 2
A rather rude bear
The Oz magazine obscenity trial in 1971 produces some of the funniest entries in the Strange Days index. The Oz editors had invited their under-18 readers, including Charles Shaar Murray, to edit Oz issue 28 (the ‘Schoolkids’ issue), with perhaps predictable results. One of the offending items on trial was – ahem – ‘a comic strip in which Rupert the Bear plunged his erect penis into a naked granny’ (p.123). (A Google-able image, should you feel inclined.) These images were studied in the trial for ‘three full weeks’. Defence witnesses were questioned on the size of said organ and the supposed age of the bear: ‘He’s a young bear, isn’t he? He goes to school; that’s right, isn’t it?’ (p.127). Wheen includes some of this nonsense in the index:
de Bono, Edward: no expert on bear’s penis, 126
Rupert Bear: sex with granny, 123; size of organ, 126; age of, 127
Schofield, Michael: no expert on bear’s age, 127
At the same trial, jazz singer George Melly takes great delight in attempting to define cunnilingus to Judge Michael Argyle (or ‘cunnilinctus’, as the judge puts it). All of Melly’s suggested translations are included in the index as see cross-references:
blowing: see cunnilingus
cunnilinctus: see cunnilingus
cunnilingus: unknown to Judge Argyle, 124, 125
fellatio: unknown to Judge Argyle, 124
gobbling: see cunnilingus
going down: see cunnilingus
sucking: see cunnilingus
yodelling in the canyon: see cunnilingus
As Wheen puts it, ‘Argyle looked like a man who had just found a dildo in his wig’.
A few lords also get similar treatment in the index:
Longford, Lord: horrified by scanty black corset, 128
Widgery, Lord: whitewashes Bloody Sunday, 44; recoils from porn, 133
Another notable entry from this chapter relates to a different obscenity trial on The Little Red Schoolbook, a manual by schoolteachers which offered advice on various matters such as alcohol, drugs and sex. One of the witnesses, a former headmistress, offered her expert evidence:
Manners, Elizabeth: deplores masturbation, 124; admits trying it, 125
The Little Red Schoolbook was pulped soon after.
Odds, sods and gods
Just a few final entries here that don’t quite fit anywhere else but, hey, I like ’em. Some Strange Days ones:
fascist insect, the, 77
wash, reluctance to: of Lin Biao, 152–53; of Mao, 153; of American radicals, 171; of author, 272
elephants: dancing, 52; theorising, 76
tycoons, 29: as heroes, 59, 277–8; sexiness of, 40; superstitions of, 56; wearing socks in bed, 60
And I’ll just let this Mumbo-Jumbo one speak for itself:
There is a huge amount of great comedic material in these indexes. I’ve already grudgingly had to be quite selective with what I have included here.
Both function perfectly well as working indexes. Things are to be found where they say they are. Subentries in the Strange Days index are given in page order, rather than the alphabetical order that would normally be employed by a professional indexer, but there aren’t many entries with enough subentries for this to cause a particular problem with locating anything. The Mumbo-Jumbo subentries are in alphabetical order.
There are many serious and sad matters covered in both books (e.g. bombings, murders, terrorism and wars) and these are just included as non-embellished headings and page numbers in the indexes. To my eyes, when the humour appears, it seems pretty appropriately targeted, or perhaps it’s just that the targets are so well dispersed. As the author states, in Mumbo-Jumbo, he had written ‘a book which included something to offend pretty much everybody’.
As an interesting if bizarre footnote, Francis Wheen told me via Twitter that the US publisher (who was a Brit) commissioned a completely new index for Mumbo-Jumbo, fearing that no one would take the book seriously unless the index was ‘stony-faced’.
What a damn shame. How much more fun is an index with entertaining subheadings? How much more likely is an interested reader to use the index to look up intriguing entries? Would US readers really object to such an index? (Suggested answers welcome.)
As indexers, we are often advised in training – yes, we do have training – not to include our opinion of the text in our index wording. (There are many fine historical examples where this rule has been deliberately broken to good effect though, adding an indexer’s snark to an author’s text – see for example Dennis Duncan on satirical and ‘weaponised’ indexes here.)
Indexes should generally however reflect the tone of the text and the author. Francis Wheen’s indexes for these two books do exactly that. They are funny indexes to funny texts and this is one shining example of an author who can index well. You can see more of his work on his website Golden Duck here.
More indexing strangeness again soon. Trebles all round!